Random Ramblings from Rehab

Everyone keeps telling me to write about all of this– there have been a lot of mentions of a book someday– but honestly, the more I am pushed, the less inclined I am to do it. That’s why I have kept this blog mostly quiet during this whole odyssey (as we are calling it).

Today I am either feeling inclined to writing, or tired of being hassled to write. Not entirely sure which, so we’ll see what comes out.

I will start by saying that I’m doing really well in rehab. I am in a very good acute rehab institute in a hospital about 30 min. south of my home. Not the same hospital where I was in the ICU. For EIGHT WEEKS, by the way.

I have been at the rehab institute for about ten days, so far, but they expect me to be able to go home tomorrow! I have been working hard, plus I have a young body that is happy to be moving again. Plus, my tube feeding is going well, and I am slowly putting weight back on.

My attitude is positive for the most part, with occasional moments of fear or more often, guilt. The guilt comes from thinking about my family and friends and what I have put them through. I almost died– on more than one occasion– and they had to watch.

I cannot comprehend what that must have felt like.

It’s different for me– 1) I have no memory of the days during those close calls. The combination of trauma and powerful drugs has left those days missing. 2) I can’t internalize how close it really was. When you are almost dead, you don’t know it. At least I didn’t. I am really glad I can’t remember the looks on anyone’s faces.

I just can’t even imagine.

Ugh. Guilt.

So I work hard for them. For whoever is reading this, too. So you all won’t have to worry so much about me. I will still require a lot of care and help from the people around me– Jer, my parents, my friends. I will still be a lot of work for them for a while, but at least they don’t have to worry about me living. I am “out of the woods,” so to speak. Everyone can finally relax for a minute.

Not everyone knows, but I have been getting sick for a long time. Since January or February at least, when I first started losing weight. When it got to be April and May and I was still losing weight, that’s when we finally figured out that something was wrong. But we didn’t know what to do, and for a bit, Lyme treatment seemed like the answer. But I was too far gone. I spent most of June and July being sick and home bound.

But.

Now… I feel better than I have in months. I have more stamina and energy than I have had since our trip to St. Louis in May. I feel some apprehension about going home, but I am mostly ready.

It is going to be an adjustment for my whole family– I have been gone a long time. July 11th is the date I was admitted– almost TEN weeks ago! Crazy. Going home still seems a little unreal. Mostly because I don’t remember leaving home…